The month of May, I ovulated on Day 11, two days earlier from the month previous (I know, yes I shouldn't complain, I'm thankful I ovulate regularly). We inseminated on Day 9, Day 10, and Day 12 of my cycle. Yes, ideally we should have done Day 11 as well, but we had to consider our donor and the fact that donating 4 days in a row takes its toll.
I was pretty adamant this month that I was preggo, but I'm new to this blog world and a friend stated I was PUPO.
So I was certain I was PUPO, and then I tested Day 12 and got a BFN.
I hope I'm just a late bloomer and I'll find a positive soon.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
This is hard
I often think about updating this blog, but either because I'm not near a computer or I don't feel as if I have anything blog worthy to say, I end up not doing anything... The truth is, although I don't talk about it all the time, it is always under the surface. Under the surface you are aching to know if this month will be the end of this journey and the beginning of another, you wonder if anyone can see through you and just how often you think about getting pregnant, in fact you even consider the fact that everyone asks you questions about it and you appear to be optimistic, but can they see through that?
It's not that I'm negative about this journey, and rationally I know this is just month number 2, considering after surgery you have to essentially start over. Friends are pregnant, friends have infants, coworkers speak about their little ones, and although I have little H, I didn't get to experience the pregnancy or infant part. I want that.
Yes I know I'm supposed to exercise patience, and remember that it will happen when the time is right...blah blah blah....I want it now.... In my life it doesn't seem like there could be a better time and yet, here I wait, because I truly have no control over biology.
Yesterday was Day 12 past ovulation and I tested negative. Today I chose not to test, and symbolically I may be holding out for 5/18, that day is a special bonding day between myself and another mama who is about to pop... maybe I just need to relax and not think about it so much? That is like telling a woman on a diet not to dream about chocolate or any other foods. Have you ever met me? I am a thinker, there is no way around it.
It's not that I'm negative about this journey, and rationally I know this is just month number 2, considering after surgery you have to essentially start over. Friends are pregnant, friends have infants, coworkers speak about their little ones, and although I have little H, I didn't get to experience the pregnancy or infant part. I want that.
Yes I know I'm supposed to exercise patience, and remember that it will happen when the time is right...blah blah blah....I want it now.... In my life it doesn't seem like there could be a better time and yet, here I wait, because I truly have no control over biology.
Yesterday was Day 12 past ovulation and I tested negative. Today I chose not to test, and symbolically I may be holding out for 5/18, that day is a special bonding day between myself and another mama who is about to pop... maybe I just need to relax and not think about it so much? That is like telling a woman on a diet not to dream about chocolate or any other foods. Have you ever met me? I am a thinker, there is no way around it.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Roller Coasting Along...
The two three week torturing is almost over, I think.... J and I originally agreed that we would wait till Day 12 after ovulation to test, but neither of us were successful at waiting that long. I kept feeling some symptoms that could be ambiguous with premenstrual OR pregnancy, obviously I we hoped for the latter. I tested Day 11, 12, 13 and 15 all BFNs....
On Friday (Day 15 after ovulation) we kinda gave up about thinking I was pregnant, so we had a bbq, drank a couple beers, and enjoyed the weekend. I was still somewhat symptomatic, but by Monday night when I started "spotting" I figured Tuesday was going to be Day 1 of my cycle and I would get an appointment with Dr. K to prescribe another round of clomid.
On Tuesday, I had 2 days of minimal spotting, unlike a normal start to a cycle. Dr. K did an ultrasound, asking all types of questions:
"Is this a normal cycle?"
"I wonder why your lining is so thick?"
"You took a pregnancy test, right?"
You see how all those questions provide a glimmer of hope, despite knowing even if I was pregnant, it might not be viable. But still....
He also said that my left ovary had three enlarged follicles that could be the result of my period starting and they would be flushed away, or they were putting off estrogen, possibly the reason why my cycle has been a week late. If they were putting off estrogen we would have to wait to inseminate so the clomid didn't make it worse.
He ordered a blood test to screen for pregnancy, FSH,and estrogen levels. Late last night, I got an email from the lab, stating that my estrogen and FSH levels were normal. The last unanswered question would be whether or not the blood test detected pregnancy....still waiting....
J convinced me to take a pregnancy test last night. Well, I bartered with her and got a massage and Starbucks at my request.
The test was a BFN.... I kind of thought it would be negative, which made me wish that my cycle would start and we could begin making plans for this month's insemination.
This morning I started my period, at least I think. It is more normal than the past two days, but I can't be certain exactly what is going on until I hear from the Dr., and see if today continues on to menstruate....
My mom summed it up best, "Kel, this has been quite a bizarre roller coaster ride, hasn't it?" Yes it has mom.
On the other hand J and I are in very good, optimistic spirits. I don't mean optimistic that I'm pregnant and going to have a baby in 9 months, but optimistic about us being able to start fulfilling more of our family dreams, and making a baby together. More than anything, I'm grateful that we continue to openly communicate all of our feelings, despite the fact that they might differ from each other. We have a foundation of honesty and compassion. There isn't anyone else I'd want to ride this roller coaster with.
We also have a pretty fantastic support network around us, including the donor, so it is nice we can share our thoughts and feelings with them as well. I'm thankful for that.
On Friday (Day 15 after ovulation) we kinda gave up about thinking I was pregnant, so we had a bbq, drank a couple beers, and enjoyed the weekend. I was still somewhat symptomatic, but by Monday night when I started "spotting" I figured Tuesday was going to be Day 1 of my cycle and I would get an appointment with Dr. K to prescribe another round of clomid.
On Tuesday, I had 2 days of minimal spotting, unlike a normal start to a cycle. Dr. K did an ultrasound, asking all types of questions:
"Is this a normal cycle?"
"I wonder why your lining is so thick?"
"You took a pregnancy test, right?"
You see how all those questions provide a glimmer of hope, despite knowing even if I was pregnant, it might not be viable. But still....
He also said that my left ovary had three enlarged follicles that could be the result of my period starting and they would be flushed away, or they were putting off estrogen, possibly the reason why my cycle has been a week late. If they were putting off estrogen we would have to wait to inseminate so the clomid didn't make it worse.
He ordered a blood test to screen for pregnancy, FSH,and estrogen levels. Late last night, I got an email from the lab, stating that my estrogen and FSH levels were normal. The last unanswered question would be whether or not the blood test detected pregnancy....still waiting....
J convinced me to take a pregnancy test last night. Well, I bartered with her and got a massage and Starbucks at my request.
The test was a BFN.... I kind of thought it would be negative, which made me wish that my cycle would start and we could begin making plans for this month's insemination.
This morning I started my period, at least I think. It is more normal than the past two days, but I can't be certain exactly what is going on until I hear from the Dr., and see if today continues on to menstruate....
My mom summed it up best, "Kel, this has been quite a bizarre roller coaster ride, hasn't it?" Yes it has mom.
On the other hand J and I are in very good, optimistic spirits. I don't mean optimistic that I'm pregnant and going to have a baby in 9 months, but optimistic about us being able to start fulfilling more of our family dreams, and making a baby together. More than anything, I'm grateful that we continue to openly communicate all of our feelings, despite the fact that they might differ from each other. We have a foundation of honesty and compassion. There isn't anyone else I'd want to ride this roller coaster with.
We also have a pretty fantastic support network around us, including the donor, so it is nice we can share our thoughts and feelings with them as well. I'm thankful for that.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Two Week Torture
This two week waiting period is nothing short of torturing! I can't believe a week has already gone by, and I have to wait another week! I promised myself I would not go crazy, and for the most part I've lived up to that, unless you had the luxury of being inside my head, and then you'd tell me that I failed miserably!
For example, on Easter I thought it was funny that I was getting a pimple on my chin, and then the following day, I got another one on my chin, and then on my nose, and another one on my nose that evening. Seriously? Pimples? I don't break out normally, which is why my attention was peaked, but since Tuesday I have no more pimples thus far.
Also, I feel like I have a lot of pressure in my lower abdomen. I have no idea if its gas or something else, but my digestion feels slow as well (since my surgery things go in, but don't come out as quickly).
Other than these small things, I have no other symptoms to speak of, other than my obsession. I promised J that I wouldn't take a pregnancy test until Tuesday (4/17), but it might just kill me a little to not take one on Sat/Sun.
The rational person that I am (sometimes), knows that whatever the outcome is, I have to view it as successful since post surgery, my ovulation changed by 6-7 days, (Day 13 vs Day 19). I feel somewhat normal in that regard, as well as the fact that my period has gone from 7 full days of bleeding and pain, to 5 days with minimal discomfort..... good thoughts.... and even knowing this I'm still thinking that I do not want to go through another BFN.....
Crossing fingers, arms, toes, to a BFP, because I'd like to know what that would feel like... PLUS, it doesn't help that H continues to draw little pictures of herself and her baby sister. She really wants a sister, J wants a little girl, and I'd like a little boy....H says she would love a boy too, but I try to tell her I have zero choice in the matter!
Here goes nothing... My only hope is that next week goes by quickly, and we will be celebrating shortly... and in the face of disappointment, I hope that I remind myself to be positive and take a breath.
For example, on Easter I thought it was funny that I was getting a pimple on my chin, and then the following day, I got another one on my chin, and then on my nose, and another one on my nose that evening. Seriously? Pimples? I don't break out normally, which is why my attention was peaked, but since Tuesday I have no more pimples thus far.
Also, I feel like I have a lot of pressure in my lower abdomen. I have no idea if its gas or something else, but my digestion feels slow as well (since my surgery things go in, but don't come out as quickly).
Other than these small things, I have no other symptoms to speak of, other than my obsession. I promised J that I wouldn't take a pregnancy test until Tuesday (4/17), but it might just kill me a little to not take one on Sat/Sun.
The rational person that I am (sometimes), knows that whatever the outcome is, I have to view it as successful since post surgery, my ovulation changed by 6-7 days, (Day 13 vs Day 19). I feel somewhat normal in that regard, as well as the fact that my period has gone from 7 full days of bleeding and pain, to 5 days with minimal discomfort..... good thoughts.... and even knowing this I'm still thinking that I do not want to go through another BFN.....
Crossing fingers, arms, toes, to a BFP, because I'd like to know what that would feel like... PLUS, it doesn't help that H continues to draw little pictures of herself and her baby sister. She really wants a sister, J wants a little girl, and I'd like a little boy....H says she would love a boy too, but I try to tell her I have zero choice in the matter!
Here goes nothing... My only hope is that next week goes by quickly, and we will be celebrating shortly... and in the face of disappointment, I hope that I remind myself to be positive and take a breath.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
why oh why?
I've considered "blogging" about this pregnancy stuff for awhile, but never felt the need until recently. We know so many people who have struggled (gay/straight/whatever) to get pregnant and the "traditional" methods don't always work. It hasn't been easy, but it does make it easier to swallow when you can find folks out there who have gone through trials and tribulations just like yourself.
J and I have discussed how with this last try we didn't want to be so neurotic about all the "pregnancy symptoms," but I knew I needed some place to be able to share what was going on in my head or my body for that matter. We discussed not testing early, and not consuming our conversations with baby talk, but in all honesty, easier said than done!
This will be my baby talk place, this will be where I let it all hang out. This is my blog, although I'm sure J will post occasionally, and I know she will definitely be reading every word I write.
Thanks for taking the time to read about us and our journey, I hope we'll soon be sharing the bun in the oven news, but until then....
J and I have discussed how with this last try we didn't want to be so neurotic about all the "pregnancy symptoms," but I knew I needed some place to be able to share what was going on in my head or my body for that matter. We discussed not testing early, and not consuming our conversations with baby talk, but in all honesty, easier said than done!
This will be my baby talk place, this will be where I let it all hang out. This is my blog, although I'm sure J will post occasionally, and I know she will definitely be reading every word I write.
Thanks for taking the time to read about us and our journey, I hope we'll soon be sharing the bun in the oven news, but until then....
Seems like forever ago...
I remember back about 19 months ago when we first started to try to get pregnant, I heard about how easy it was for J to get pregnant with H and obviously, little H is proof of that story. In my head, I thought "this is going to be easy" and humble pie is what I've been eating ever since...
I knew we were going in a different direction from most of our friends who were trying to get pregnant as well, since they were all using sperm donors from a cryo bank and we were going to be using the real deal. No no no, I wasn't going to be having intercourse with our donor, but I would be using his semen and doing it at home, with what most folks think of, the turkey baster. Ok, all joking aside, Iwas am thankful we were using the same donor as H, since the product would be biologically related to her. And no, there is no turkey baster to be spoken of, but there have been lots of different techniques used!
The first time we tried to get pregnant was in August of 2010. I was so good at being conscious of everything I was eating, not drinking, and doing. It consumed my thoughts, and at the same time was so exciting. I thought for sure I'd be the lucky girl who got pregnant first try since I have been so successful with everything else I've done in my life, but boy oh boy, was I wrong!
Live Donor= our good friend, donor to H, gay male, wonderfully generous and willing to always help us every step of the way. Oh and he's very handsome as well!
The following dates list our attempts:
August 2010: kel, live donor, at home (syringe)= BFN
October 2010: kel, live donor, at home (syringe) = BFN
November 2010: kel, live donor, at home (syringe) = BFN
December 2010- May 2011: Break
June 2011: kel, live donor, at home (syringe)= BFN
July 2011: kel, live donor, at home (syringe)= BFN
August 2011: Vacation in NY, Marriage, break
J talks to co-workers regarding our TTC, discovers that my luteal phase may be short (it's 10-11 days at most) and determined it was time to see a fertility specialist
October 2011: First step with fertility clinic:
HSG complete
lab work complete
all normal
sneak in another try, (kel, live donor, at home (syringe)= BFN
November 2011: Finally see fertility doctor, Dr. K. Ultra-sound done, "functional" cyst discovered. Advised to return during next menstrual cycle to check cyst. Also received a verbal lashing about why we should be using unknown donor sperm and the potential "parental rights" of our live donor. J and I felt defeated, yet hopeful we would still be able to proceed in making the next baby biologically related to H.
December 2011: Second visit to Dr. K, "functional" cyst still present, no change in size. Birth Control prescribed to eliminate any hormones causing cyst presence. Dr. K, was much nicer and spoke with more understanding about us using our live donor.
January 2012: Third visit to Dr. K. No longer referred to as "functional" cyst, told it needed to be removed surgically. Advised that surgery will be at least a month away
February 2012: J and Kel discuss options, decide that J should try to become pregnant in case Kel cannot at this time. Kel had surgery to remove thecyst tumor. Surgery went well, Dr. K reports that insides look good and no issues that should effect fertility.
J, live donor, at home (syringe)= BFN
March 2012: J decides she does not want to proceed in getting pregnant herself, she wants to focus on me. Kel waits for menstrual cycle. Follow up visit with Dr. K, clomid prescribed, all fingers crossed!
April 2012: Kel, live donor, at home, clomid, (instead cup)= 2ww= BFN
May 2012: Kel, live donor, at home, clomid, syringe, instead cup= 2ww
I knew we were going in a different direction from most of our friends who were trying to get pregnant as well, since they were all using sperm donors from a cryo bank and we were going to be using the real deal. No no no, I wasn't going to be having intercourse with our donor, but I would be using his semen and doing it at home, with what most folks think of, the turkey baster. Ok, all joking aside, I
The first time we tried to get pregnant was in August of 2010. I was so good at being conscious of everything I was eating, not drinking, and doing. It consumed my thoughts, and at the same time was so exciting. I thought for sure I'd be the lucky girl who got pregnant first try since I have been so successful with everything else I've done in my life, but boy oh boy, was I wrong!
Live Donor= our good friend, donor to H, gay male, wonderfully generous and willing to always help us every step of the way. Oh and he's very handsome as well!
The following dates list our attempts:
August 2010: kel, live donor, at home (syringe)= BFN
October 2010: kel, live donor, at home (syringe) = BFN
November 2010: kel, live donor, at home (syringe) = BFN
December 2010- May 2011: Break
June 2011: kel, live donor, at home (syringe)= BFN
July 2011: kel, live donor, at home (syringe)= BFN
August 2011: Vacation in NY, Marriage, break
J talks to co-workers regarding our TTC, discovers that my luteal phase may be short (it's 10-11 days at most) and determined it was time to see a fertility specialist
October 2011: First step with fertility clinic:
HSG complete
lab work complete
all normal
sneak in another try, (kel, live donor, at home (syringe)= BFN
November 2011: Finally see fertility doctor, Dr. K. Ultra-sound done, "functional" cyst discovered. Advised to return during next menstrual cycle to check cyst. Also received a verbal lashing about why we should be using unknown donor sperm and the potential "parental rights" of our live donor. J and I felt defeated, yet hopeful we would still be able to proceed in making the next baby biologically related to H.
December 2011: Second visit to Dr. K, "functional" cyst still present, no change in size. Birth Control prescribed to eliminate any hormones causing cyst presence. Dr. K, was much nicer and spoke with more understanding about us using our live donor.
January 2012: Third visit to Dr. K. No longer referred to as "functional" cyst, told it needed to be removed surgically. Advised that surgery will be at least a month away
February 2012: J and Kel discuss options, decide that J should try to become pregnant in case Kel cannot at this time. Kel had surgery to remove the
J, live donor, at home (syringe)= BFN
March 2012: J decides she does not want to proceed in getting pregnant herself, she wants to focus on me. Kel waits for menstrual cycle. Follow up visit with Dr. K, clomid prescribed, all fingers crossed!
April 2012: Kel, live donor, at home, clomid, (instead cup)= 2ww= BFN
May 2012: Kel, live donor, at home, clomid, syringe, instead cup= 2ww
Introductions
I'm Kel, a wife, a step-mom, a daughter, a twin, a sister, a lesbian, and hopefully a mom-to-be someday... I came from a small rural community, raised by two parents, who are actually still together and seemingly normal, if there is such a thing. I have two siblings: a twin brother and a half brother. Both of my parents are in the social work field, and like many children I found myself falling into those same footsteps. I currently work for an organization as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and provide counseling to community members.
For the duration of this blog I'll be referring to my wife as J, and my step-daughter as H. Here's a little info about them as well.
J is a mom, a wife, a lesbian, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, and my co-parent in this journey. She grew up in a small town, with two parents who are still together and three younger siblings. She is a pediatric nurse. She is the biological mom to my step-daughter H, who was conceived during a prior relationship. So H is a lucky girl with two mom's and two step-moms who love her very much. H is almost five and truly believes she's part of Disney's Royal Family! We have ourselves a little princess diva with this one.
J and I met just over 3 years ago. We knew from the beginning we were meant for each other. We were legally married in the "great state of New York" on August 5, 2011, while on vacation. We had an official ceremony in Hawaii, with all of our family and some friends on January 14, 2012. H was just 19 months old when we met, so we have been co-parenting together practically from the start. From the beginning we knew we wanted to add to our little family, and I always knew I wanted to have the opportunity to carry a baby, so welcome to our TTC story.
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